there's nothing left for me, here

One month ago, I moved into a house that I don't really care for, with the inactive participants of a family that I care for even less. We've all become conspiracy theorists, willing participants in six separate versions of the truth that we're all convinced will set us free from the misery in which we exist. If this sounds like a new reality television series to you, you're not far from the truth. The only difference is that there is no sex between enemies, no grand cash total at the "end" of the thirty-minute session of arguments. There is no bright side, better yet - no competition. All along, we've been living here and getting pummeled by hurricane after hurricane and bonus tropical storms, powerless (literally) and confused. Even our dogs are starting to go crazy. I can't see the logic that was the reason we moved here, anymore.

I want to sacrifice all of this; I want to be poor again, where I didn't worry about which of the cars to take to dinner. I worried about how we'd pay for dinner, sacrificing a month of having a bathroom light for a birthday cake. I don't like wasting resources and I don't like people who take pride in the fact that they do. I want to go home. I WANT THE ROOF TO START LEAKING SO THAT I CAN APPRECIATE HAVING ONE! I want the only entertainment to come from my brain again and not produced by lights and canned comedy. I want to once again feel like I quite possibly could have a future in producing literary masterpieces, rather than observing them from other people who make use of their creativity. It isn't me to sit idle.

Recent circumstances (hurricanes, parents and what-not) have made it so that I appeared in the town of Concord, North Carolina once more. What was once a miserable place to be has become somewhere to which I wish I could return. The three days I spent with my dad were possibly some of the best I've had since we left. Some of the things that he said really opened up my eyes to certain things. And even if I didn't come out of it being a "better person," I think I've learned to appreciate a lot more. My opportunity to prove that my brain was wasting away arrived in the form of a test that I'd taken before I left California. The results were forwarded to this address - I hadn't expected to see them. But I did and wasn't happy about it. I didn't pass the CHSPE by three points. I'd taken the test for fun, under the impression that what was once an entertaining activity for me would remain so, that I would pass and do nothing about it. Every now and then I'd test, to make sure my pride (claims of intelligence) could hold water, and then BAM. I failed? Sure, it could have been credited to having a bad test day, or not enough sleep or food or a number of other excuses. But the fact remains that I failed out of disrespect for my body and mind.

I'd been letting myself waste away at the Cedarwood Sudbury School, where doing nothing is more encouraged than helping yourself to knowledge. My dwindling intellect was the least of my worries for so long, but now I've decided that everything else will take a back seat to college. Nothing will allow me to neglect my meditation practices and studying - I won't let that happen again. As it is, I feel stupid.

And after watching all the conspiracy movies on 9-11 that I could get my hands on, I feel more stupid. I want to leave the planet, please.

Having said all that, I minimize.
If anyone wants to buy a gently used Sony Vaio PCG-GRZ630 (2.4 gig processor, 40gig hd, 512 ram, dvd + cdrw, 15.4" screen) with all the manuals and discs, two ac adapters, a cooling tray, and a vaio backpack (brand new, never opened) let me know. I need money more than I need my computer, imagine that.

the worst day

Today has been the worst day. I sold the book my mom gave to me a few years ago to get money to buy her a present, but it turns out she really wanted me to keep the book and now I feel sad. And she doesn't know why I sold it, so she's upset with me and thinks I don't want the things she gives me. Also, Petsmart won't hire me because "the position has been filled" (at BOTH clearwater locations, yeah right) and EB Games won't hire me because they just forgot to call me back, I guess. Ross, Bealls, Publix, Gamestop and Cingular won't hire me because they would rather stare back with blank expressions. (My brother stole my job at Ross, mind you. He's too pushy, my god, I hate him.) I'm going to apply at Jo-Anne's, Dockside, Walgreens, Eckards, Books-a-million and Winn-Dixie. This sucks so very fucking much. I hate Florida. Mom and Stuart are selling "my" car because the hurricane did too much damage to the condo and they're not going to be able to sell it. So, for the next few months, we'll be eating my car. Anyone want to buy a barely used 03 Mitsubishi Outlander?

It's okay to sell things that belong to me (my computer, my car, my collector's books) to get money for the household, according to my stepdad, but when it comes to HIS SON'S possessions, they're off limits. He doesn't deserve the fucking computer he has, and he doesn't need to be getting fucking 50 dollar computer games on the spur of the moment, if we're so poor! LET ME KEEP MY THINGS. His dishonest little fucktard can fuck himself and NOT get any games for Sunday, for all I care. Also, my stepdad has been throwing out my mail. First, I got a little christian pamphlet thing, and that was no biggie to throw away because it was religious spam and I am notoriously not christian, but still! It had MY name on it, for ME to throw away. Second, my dad sent his child support check and it arrived yesterday. But I didn't get it until this morning when Stuart was out of the house, because when he got the mail yesterday, he sorted through it and CRAMMED MY DAD'S LETTER BACK IN THE BOX. If he hadn't gone away today, I never would have gotten it. ASSHOLE. In the future, when I say "Anything for me?" it means WAS THERE ANY FUCKING MAIL FROM MY DAD THAT YOU CRAMMED IN THE BACK OF THE MAILBOX?! It's like, dude, just because you don't like my father, whom you've never met, doesn't mean you can withhold my mail from him.

Mom says, "Well, at least I didn't marry a guy who beats you." Y'know what? At this point in time, I could use someone to take my frustrations out on. I would rather have a stepdad that beat me instead of being passive-aggressive. That way, I could rip around and slug the motherfucker and he'd get what he had coming to him. In THIS situation, however, he hasn't done anything wrong. Or at least, not that I can prove. Lawfully, I can't hit him. Jeebus. Sigh.

*simmer* I built a giant litter box for my dogs because they seemed to like pooing in the litter, but now that it's actually for them, they won't go in it. Bitches. Literally. My acuvue contacts don't fit and they keep floating downward, so it gets ALL the heck blurry, making me blind. Complaintfest 2k4.

On a brighter note, it's getting cooler. I walked outside and didn't start sweating the minute the air hit me. Winter is coming, yay, I can't wait! Mom got me the entire Please Teacher series with box set for christmas, and I bought myself the Bebop four-disc soundtrack once more. Yay, bebop. I feel like crying, because of the book, though. Greg yelled at mom today (it was so totally heated - he was all like "FUCK YOU" and she was like "WTF?!" and I was like "..." because I was trying to vacuum.) and made it clear, as if it weren't already obvious, that he is the asshole everyone thinks he is. He said, and I quote, "I pity you ALL." When asked why, he replied, "Because you're not me." That's funny, I was just about to thank the Goddess for THE SAME THING!! So, we can hear him yelling at his girlfriend now because she's the "sluttiest girl I [he] know[s]!!!1!!1one!" for letting three boys into her dorm room during a party. WHOAH, OMG, I ABSOLUTELY THOUGHT SHE WAS 20 YEARS OLD AND COULD TAKE CARE OF HERSELF?!?! My bad, how silly of me to make that assumption. She obviously needs him (because he's only 18, yeah) to protect her from the world, other (more "dangerous") guys specifically. Beware the one-eyed snake!

I personally believe she's better off without him, because he doesn't respect her! He all but slaps her if she says the wrong thing, doesn't let her do anything on her own because he 'knows best' and kills her if she nears male friends. ...But what do I know, I've never been in a "serious relationship." I'll more than likely "understand when I'm older."
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed
run ein! by scalytail

happy day!!!!

I got not one, but TWO job interviews! TWO! guess who might be a dog trainer at petsmart? and who might work at EB Games!? WHO? ME, that's right. Interviews are tomorrow. I'll keep you posted. Y'know, just in case you care!

As a reward for doing something good, I bought myself the wolf's rain box thing... and noticed this and thought it was cool:

cut to save my bandwidthCollapse )
also, mom says she's getting me the neon genesis evangelion series for christmas. the entire box set. woOooO! and in the next month, I will buy Family Guy serieses 1 and 2, the second wolf's rain dvd, and the first season of punk'd (don't laugh at me). of course, I'll save some money, too. because... you know, rent and food come first, or some bullshit like that! go me.
  • Current Mood
    excited excited


I witnessed an accident today on the way home from Panda's. One red-light left turning toyota corolla was broad-sided by a speeding impala. Whoops. The only person injured was in the passenger side of the corolla, he broke his neck. He was the father of the teenager who was driving, the one that bled all over my new sweatshirt. I hope he lived, because I know how I would feel. I would not make it through the end of the day if I was driving and my mom died in the car I wrecked, oh my word.

The hurricane/tropical storm/poor excuse to steal the brownie made our power go out and then we reported a tree down on power lines so they'd fix our thingamajigger. They did. I registered for non credit courses because I want to learn another language. I hope I will have the time to do everything. (I painted my bathroom and it's hella ugly right now!) And last, but certainly not least, I sent my last twenty dollars to a girl named Amy Loch (wtf_ur_dumb)for five CDs, four of which were for my brother's birthday. Guess what, she didn't send them. Now, I have nothing to give my brother. Not that he's been the nicest person recently, anyway. Still, he deserves a present. Thanks, girl, I have no money. I'm gonna cry.
  • Current Mood

a real *gasp* update... ntac

My brother stole my keyboard.

I will miss you, beloved keyboard...

I just realized that my journal is mainly comprised of random crap and dog pictures that no one cares to see. That fact made me smile like hell. I like it that way. :D <--- kinda like that one. But, seeing as I have added some new people to my list and reinvigorated some old ones, I should like that they see more interesting things such as me pretending that I have a life and that I am indeed a person outside of using my co-inhabitants as identifying features. Anyhow, as for the update that no one really needs, here it is. Not that you were wondering, but Florida is full of shit and I really, really don't like it here. It's so hot you can cook eggs on the hood of your car, as my brother proved early this afternoon. There are people here that I don't want to be around, and everything that ever could need repairs has decided to do so RIGHTNOW. Our pool keeps fucking itself and turning the filter green, my car thought it would be funny to make it so the AC breaks (we'll be driving the mazda a lot now?) at random and rust comes and clings to the roof with ugly rusty clingyness. My dog (who keeps mooing at me) is busy biting people she doesn't know, hurricanes are poking my neighborhood with sharp wedges of cheese, I can't get a job becaue the theater went out of business and they were my only reference that didn't move to Australia, thank you all parents of autistic children. (I AM OFF TO APPLY AT EB GAMES! at 1:30 in the morning? of course, why not!) I can't seem to arrange cello, violin OR piano lessons in this town and there's not one female gamer in this entire state (or so it seems). I wish I could lend a more positive note to my update, but things really do seem that grim.

But, I'll try. I got contacts, so I can see now, without the FL heat fogging up my glasses (any other four-eyes in the south have that problem?) and they feel rather nifty. The switch was easy with very little irritation. (just a bit of redness and it looks like someone poked me in the eye, see picture here.) And college is starting to be okay. I'm still not comfortable with the whole live-by-yourself-with-people thing, but I guess I'll get used to it. This is like no other dorm I've been to. I mean, it's really, really nice and things are clean (coughsantaclaraunicough!) but I would have prefered DigiPen over this. I still wear my DP t-shirt and the guys at EB Games are like "NOWAY HAHA" and I sulk at having been accepted and not allowed to go. But, I've been trying to be (relatively) grateful for the things that I have been given. Like this house that is plentiful when it comes to ghosts.

Would you like to hear about our ghosts? Of course you wouldn't. So here. I had my bed halfway in my closet so that I was sleeping in my closet - things were great when I had it in there, I slept all the way through the night and things were peaceful. But then, I moved my bed on the wall with no windows and between my bookshelves. Well, the first night I slept there, the dog wouldn't get on the bed and kept staring at me weird. Then, I tossed and turned all night and kept hearing some woman urging someone to "leave her alone, leave her alone" which is just NOT COOL, no matter which way you listen. Things simmered down after about a week of my bed being in the same place, but someone keeps fucking taking all of my clothes out of the dressers and stacking them on my short table. UNCOOL. It's not my mom, she's not a freak like that. It's just... so... weird...ish. So a few days ago, I lit the room almost to the burning point filled with giant candles and such and laid with my ear to the floor and listened. One of the things I heard was snakes and someone saying "GARBAGE DAY!" So, as you can probably tell (and you can if you know me), I am honestly hoping that I don't wake up without a head one of these days. Bus Ford's ghost usually follows me from house to house so that he can take my 5$ bills and hide them in the bathrooms somewhere, but this is downright creepy. Mom says there are nothing but "good feelings" in my room, but if that's so, then why would they need to be told to leave me alone? And what the hell, garbage day isn't until tuesday.

I can't wait for the mail to come. Does anyone else's mail come after 4pm? (Or does our mailman get kidnapped on a daily basis?) It sucks to walk to the mailbox every day because it's like a bzillion mile hike, damn mansion! THIS HOUSE IS HAUNTED.

Crackheaded friend says I should do a phone post so that people can hear my "awesome" accent. I have no clue what he's talking about?
  • Current Music
    nightwish -- wishmaster -- dead boy's poem
onegai teacher




there was a hecka big thunderstorm and it was funny to see this otherwise mighty 80lb dog shivering with fear because she heard thunder. poor girl.

(obviously, she's not shivering in the pictures. when she was, she was hiding in my closet. this was before the storm. except the first picture, which is after. our palm tree had a casualty. it wet itself.)
onegai teacher


I am in florida and I am okay.

Use your meditative powers for good things. Good things like making hurricanes go the other direction.